: my coping mechanisms, let me show you them

[tamaranth]

Via fjm:

if someone who appears to you to be outgoing, tells you that they are shy, believe them. What you are seeing is their performance face, their coping mechanisms. It may come over as arrogance, be expressed as sarcasm, be over ebullient, or talking too much. It may exhaust them so much that they can't think too straight about the reality of a situation while they are "performing". It may not be a good coping mechanism. But it is not proof that they have lied about their shyness.

Oh yes absolutely.

And I'd add, from my experience (which may not be anyone else's): don't assume that someone who is outgoing and friendly on one occasion will always be outgoing and friendly. I often find social interaction exhausting: there are a few exceptions, but on the whole if I've spent a lot of time talking to or even being around people (especially people I don't know well) I become physically and mentally tired, and if I can't run away to a quiet private place I will run away inside my head, perhaps with the aid of a book or PDA, perhaps simply by withdrawing from the conversation.

You may apply this explanation to anything from my habitual playing of mindless games on my Palm to my preference for headphones on public transport to extended 'comfort break' absences (the bathroom was my only hope of solitude at Eastercon!) This is how I cope. It works for me, and it is never intended to be insulting or hurtful or rude: however, I do prioritise my own mental and emotional well-being.

Comments

[lj_stowaway]

Wow. The quote does hit the nail on the head. I'd like to print it up on little cards and hand it to people who need a clue, you know?

[stevegreen.livejournal.com]

That opening paragraph describes the younger me to a tee. Thing is, I no longer know how to switch back: I have become the mask.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

do prioritise my own mental and emotional well-being.
Perfectly reasonable.

[autopope.livejournal.com]

this (http://autopope.livejournal.com/482085.html).

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

And I find it's much better to withdraw and gain some more serenity than to have a meltdown, so I'm not spending all my spoons on any social occasion; and I accept that if I see a full schedule and would like to do all of the panels etc in reality I am likely to go to a few, then take a break, then do something else.

And my social cope takes a nosedive if I have to do the running, and find myself on my own at dinner while everybody around me is happily bustling away with friends - I like to have time off on my own terms, not because nobody wants to talk to me. (And yes, they probably would if I approached them and it's not a personal snub when my friends gather elsewhere etc, but when I'm stressed, I take things personal that aren't.)

[tamaranth.livejournal.com]

I like to have time off on my own terms, not because nobody wants to talk to me. (And yes, they probably would if I approached them

Absolutely. If I'm feeling socially stressed my confidence fades pretty quickly -- to the extent I won't ask in case someone says no.

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

Yep, that quote is very true indeed. Behold the Mask of Power!

In my case I find interaction energising up to a point, but if I overdo it then I need to hide away and recharge. If the social energy levels get to low I start flinching at the thought of seeing pretty much anyone.

[marypcb.livejournal.com]

and it's not just the specific people but the specific interaction you have with them that time that can generate/consume energy (my definition of introversion/extroversion in a situation is whether it gives me energy or takes it away_

[tamaranth.livejournal.com]

Good definition (+/- energy) and there are definitely people who drain my energy, almost certainly unwittingly.

[alexmc.livejournal.com]

read but no proper comment right now.


I am concerned about playing mindless computer games (like solitaire and minesweeper) because I see it as not a coping mechanism, but as an avoidance mechanism.

However you say that for you it is a coping mechanism, so I believe you.

[tamaranth.livejournal.com]

Interesting distinction you make between coping and avoidance -- to me, if I can't physically withdraw from a stressful situation, I'd rather mentally withdraw (=avoid) than attempt to cope with it, especially if there is no purpose in coping. For instance: waiting at airports / train stations. I might read (though that's more likely to engage me to the extent that I miss announcements) or play Sudoku or Seven Seas (popcap classic).

Also worth noting that for many years I've found a 'mindless' surface activity (games, bead-threading, file-sorting) is an excellent way for calming brain-noise and letting deeper stuff well up.

[alexmc.livejournal.com]

I hope this doesnt sound argumentative. I think I am agreeing with you.

Here is an example for what I mean when I say coping rather than avoidance.

Someone with social anxiety might decide to go out, but have a plan to escape to the toilet if it all gets too much. To me that is a coping strategy by removing oneself from the cause of discomfort if it gets too much to bare.

The same person may alternatively never go out at all and never test the boundaries of their own anxiety and tolerance of discomfort . To me that is avoidance.

----

If you are prepared to put yourself in uncomfortable situations then there is nothing wrong with having exit strategies in order to cope even if all you are doing is distracting yourself.

[tamaranth.livejournal.com]

No, that doesn't sound argumentative at all! Though I think my game-playing comes under the 'coping' label, because it's a mechanism for dealing with unnecessary social discomfort and *preventing* it becoming too much. Thinking about it, I suspect it's also recharge-time.

There are definitely social situations I'll avoid (the Tun for instance), though often that's about my dislike of crowds rather than reluctance to engage socially.

[marypcb.livejournal.com]

and it's possible to be diffentially shy; I am still quietly furious with someone who told me it was binary and immutable and that because I could do X I wasn't shy.

[fjm.livejournal.com]

Ha!

It never occurs to people that speaking in front of an audience of 500 is far less terrifying than walking into a pub to meet up with people who all know each other really well and you are a new acquaintance.

[darth-tigger.livejournal.com]

Ha. Yes, this.

[marypcb.livejournal.com]

there's also the justification of purpose. I can go anywhere and talk to anyone if it's work (and for a writer speaking is work); without that justification for being there and being 'worth' interacting with because I have a right to be there for a valid reason, I can find it very hard to get started in conversation with people. Why my conversation as a function of work should seem more valid to my subconscious that what I have to say in a personal way, I leave as an exercise for the therapist.

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

"And because I'm a peace-loving person who doesn't like conflict, I can't possibly have just punched you in the gob".

[marypcb.livejournal.com]

if only I wasn't so terminally *nice*...