Zero-Calorie Food

[tamaranth]

Dining with a friend last night I was astounded to discover that she was unaware of some of the following Rules:
- food eaten from somebody else's plate has no calories
- food eaten standing up, straight from the fridge, has no calories
- food eaten out of doors has no calories (they evaporate)
- ingredients nibbled while preparing Proper Food have no calories
- food purchased at discount prices (BOGOF, Reduced to Clear) has proportionally fewer calories.
- food you don't like has fewer calories (due to effort involved in bracing yourself to eat it)
- the thing about celery having zero calories, however, is a Lie (probably originated by celery-miners). Celery is not food. Saying that it has zero calories is like saying that American politics has zero calories: calories are not the problem.

On a related note:
- cocktails do not count towards your alcoholic intake if they have fruit in them: this makes them part of your five-a-day.

Comments

[ladymoonray.livejournal.com]

You've forgotten the fruit & nut bars, which count as salad with a chocolatey dressing :)

[serennos.livejournal.com]

I didn't realise this! I always take fruit & nut chocolate into exams and there is now a chance that I won't make it through the Latin exam with a straight face!

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

All dinners eaten at the Waldorf count as salad.

[lj_stowaway]

Also:

Foods taken for medicinal purposes (chocolate, for example) have no calories.

Broken cookies have no calories (the breaking causes calorie leakage).

Food eaten at the movies count as part of the entertainment package and has no calories.

[ozarque.livejournal.com]

You do realize that your post is a science fiction .... maybe science fiction fantasy ... short story, right?

[serennos.livejournal.com]

And don't forget the anti-calories contained in proper fruit & veg (not celery, of course); salad-on-the-side can actually reduce the number of calories in otherwise calorific foodstuffs.

[marypcb.livejournal.com]

even - or perhaps especially - if you don't eat any of the salad

[serennos.livejournal.com]

I think you're right! Besides, I've heard that calorie + anti-calorie fusion can be life threatening, if not cataclysmic!

[purplecthulhu.livejournal.com]

It should also be noted that zero calorie drinks (diet coke etc.) or water have negative calories when drunk cold.

[sushidog.livejournal.com]

Also, food taken from the "Welcome the new students" buffet while carefully avoiding talking to any students has no calories.

[marypcb.livejournal.com]

the calorie count of upside down cake is also upside down ie 119 calories a slice not 611

[fishlifter.livejournal.com]

food eaten standing up, straight from the fridge, has no calories

Sadly I remain unconvinced about this one. Because there can be a lot of cheese in my fridge. And consequently thereafter in me.

But I am just a wronghead who believes that celery is food, so what would I know?

[bookzombie.livejournal.com]

If you're wrongheaded about celery, then so am I...

[frostfox.livejournal.com]

All good common sense, welcome to the P Plan Diet.

http://www.plokta.com/plokta/issue15/diet.htm

FF

[ms-cataclysm.livejournal.com]

You missed out the important tip that breaking the biscuit first allows the calories to escape. Is v. important.

[bookzombie.livejournal.com]

A supplimentary to your second rule. All food eaten by the light of the refrigerator has no calories.

Also broken biscuits have no calories.