Zero-Calorie Food

Dining with a friend last night I was astounded to discover that she was unaware of some of the following Rules:
- food eaten from somebody else's plate has no calories
- food eaten standing up, straight from the fridge, has no calories
- food eaten out of doors has no calories (they evaporate)
- ingredients nibbled while preparing Proper Food have no calories
- food purchased at discount prices (BOGOF, Reduced to Clear) has proportionally fewer calories.
- food you don't like has fewer calories (due to effort involved in bracing yourself to eat it)
- the thing about celery having zero calories, however, is a Lie (probably originated by celery-miners). Celery is not food. Saying that it has zero calories is like saying that American politics has zero calories: calories are not the problem.

On a related note:
- cocktails do not count towards your alcoholic intake if they have fruit in them: this makes them part of your five-a-day.